Long Time No Blog!

I am notorious for starting things and abandoning them, YouTube channels, blogs, myspace (who didn't with that last one, really?) etc. But my blog has always been on my mind... "I should blog this! ...nah... too lazy to get my camera, no one cares..." But then I remember that I shouldn't really care whether or not anyone else gives a damn about what I have to say, but that this blog was intended as a very public form of a diary and it has always been about what I need to say to myself. I'm reminded of this as I read through my last few posts. I'm reminded of the summer, of a boy and my first experience with heartbreak (which I pretended didn't bother me... but it really, really did.), my adventures with the vegan thing (a thing which I have not yet abandoned hope on) and how much growth I've really experienced over the last several months of being in South Dakota. People closest to me have noticed the shift, not only physically (can I get an AMEN?!) but in my personality as well. I guess I just seem more grown up? I think my priorities have just shifted.

A year ago I was a very unhappy 320 pound person. I ate my feelings and I ate down the feelings I had given myself from eating in the first place, a dangerous cycle of negativity that showed itself all over my body. I recognize that for some, losing a significant amount of weight really might not be that big of a deal. But on the other hand, I wonder how many people can balloon to over 300 pounds and not have some sort of emotional issue lurking around somewhere. That is a lot of weight to have allowed yourself to carry. At this point, I've lost 80 pounds. And while my inner pessimistic jerk is saying "uuuhh... you're still a fat ass. You have a long way to go, buddy... don't get excited." My shiny optimistic self is saying, and forgive my french, "FUCK YES!" For a few months there I hit a bit of a plateau and was getting a bit frustrated. That's when a little light switched on and said "duh, self! Exercise!" So I listened. I joined weight watchers--mostly because I want to be on a commercial... My success story is going to be so kick ass I'll become famous and filthy rich! Nah, I kid... kind of. In all reality, I needed a push in the right direction and Jennifer Hudson convinced me with her new "erms and legs." Using weight watchers I dropped 13 pounds in the first month. Not astonishing results but I'll take them. Most importantly though, I began exercising and not allowing myself to make excuses and holding myself accountable. I've put that stationary bike I got for Christmas (Thanks mom and dad!) to good use for sure. If you really want the nitty gritty of my workout routine I'll probably do a more in depth post later but basically, I stay on that bitch for an hour (averaging about 18 miles) and I try to challenge myself in some way or another. This weekend... I'm planning on "biking" the length of a marathon, 26-point-something miles. Meh. What's another 8 miles?!

Cultivating a healthy relationship with food has been tough to do on my own, but I've made a lot of progress. The hardest part of all of this is learning to cultivate a healthy relationship with myself, to allow my shiny optimistic self to rule my thoughts and be proud of what I've accomplished. I'm not where I want to be yet but I'm pretty much halfway there. So at this point I know for a fact that I can do whatever I want to do with my body, I can be how ever I want to be. And though my final goal is a ways down the road, I have a huge milestone a mere 20 pounds away, and another 20 pounds down from that. Rest assured, when both of these are met... there will be jumping and shouting... and probably shimmying. I am absolutely proud of myself and I think I have every right to be. I've put up with the horrid emotions a person goes through when changing their life, I've worked hard, I've made a difference and saved myself from a lifetime of really intense health problems. See?! No one needs a knight-in-shining armor! You can be your own hero! (Okay... maybe that's a bit much, but whatever.)