It is impossible to know how anyone feels unless you have experienced something first hand. Which is probably why I don't like almost anyone I've ever met in the medical field. They only know some things based on what they've read in a book and never gone through. I can't possibly begin to judge someone for complaining about something they've been through that I haven't, I can't ever say something along the lines of "oh, I've had it much worse." Because I simply just do not know. I don't know what it feels like to give birth, have cancer, lose a limb, get shot, or have Pneumonia. My point is, trying to "one-up" someone on something like that is just pointless. Because everyone is so different and every individual body reacts differently to certain things there is absolutely no way of knowing how something feels to someone else. I know what Whooping Cough felt like to me, I know the pain of coughing so hard I dislocated and cracked ribs, coughing so hard that I would vomit on a regular basis and give myself severe nose bleeds. I know the feeling of not being able to take a really deep breath. I know what Pertussis did to me. Just like how I can handle having blood drawn and getting iv's far better than getting shots... Maybe it doesn't make sense, but it's true for me. It's the same situation for emotional events too. I know what it's like to lose a loved one, but I don't know what it's like to lose a child. I hope I never find out. I know what it's like to deal with bi-polar disorder on a daily basis and having to hold up a mental wall to keep control of myself the best I can. No one else can feel that but me. We can share our similar experiences, we can hold each other up, we can love and support the people we love through everything, we can do our best to sympathize and even empathize with someone else. But arguing about things we have no idea about is a waste of breath. My lungs are permanently scarred and damaged... So I'd like to hold on to every breath I take.

Self Acceptance

Let's face it. I'm female and there have been times in my life where I despised myself, particularly my body, and just wanted to curl up in a little ball and cry myself to sleep. I'm almost certain that I'm not the only one on this planet that has ever done that. There have been far too many occasions that I've looked at myself in the mirror and probably said some not-so-classy words, "What the fuck?!" is a personal favorite of mine. And this morning as I was celebrating meeting my latest weight loss goal I realized something. I no longer say that to myself. Even if I'm still many pounds away from that final goal, I know I'm doing something about it. Funny isn't it, something I've hated so badly for a really long time turned into motivation and that motivation turned into self acceptance. There is nothing wrong with being proud of who you are, regardless of you "short-comings". In fact, I've found that loving yourself is even more motivation to be the very best you. I'm not trying to force my thoughts about not eating meat and all that jazz down anyones throats. As much as I'd encourage everyone to give up the dead stuff, I know that it just isn't for everyone. There are plenty of places you can go if you're curious about why you should give up meat and the terrible injustices towards animals in factories and slaughter houses... It's not my job to lecture anyone and say their lifestyle and eating habits make them a terrible human being and blah blah blah blah blah. That is up to each individual person. Reading a book like Skinny Bitch is a very good place to start if you're interested in learning more about what goes on behind the scenes. And, a couple of last words, never label yourself... never set yourself up to try and meet standards that sometimes just can't be met. Allow yourself to eat whatever it is you want and not feel guilty about it. Obviously, don't eat the whole bag of Fritos but if you want a handful every now and then... well dammit! Eat some! I also highly recommend an early morning bike ride every chance you get. Everything looks so different when there isn't anyone around.

Vegetarianism Found Me.

I wish I could say that, at 20, my medical history is a very brief and boring topic that I would only ever bother discussing with my physician. But, the truth is, what's happened to my body in the last several years has a lot to do with the struggles I'm facing now. When I was younger I never got sick, I got the typical childhood illnesses like chicken pox and a bout with stomach flu, but that was the worst of it. I did have some minor problems with my tonsils (they were chronically enlarged and the size of golf balls) but I didn't really have too many issues related to that. I could be outside in 90+ degree weather and barely break a sweat, even up until I was about 15. The summer between 9th and 10th grades is when everything changed. I had a very severe heat stroke. I can remember the day it hit me too. My mom was taking my best friend and I to a dinosaur park and museum, and right as I was opening the car door I was hit by this very intense, sharp, pain directly behind my right eye. It was so sudden and painful that I could barely breathe and nearly blacked out. So, instead of having a fun day at a museum, I was taken to the emergency room and promptly given a CT Scan. When your doctor comes into your room after something like that and says "We're going to have to get an MRI, the CT Scan was abnormal" your heart immediately drops to the floor. I was terrified. When the MRI results came in and the doctor came in to speak with us I could feel my heart beating in my throat, what in the hell had happened to my body?! It turns out that I had been so consistently dehydrated from spending far too much time in the sun and not drinking nearly enough water that the fluid in my brain had "congealed" I think that was the term he used. He mentioned that they have never seen that in such a young person and those results were usually only seen in people in their 80s. I was so dehydrated that when I got my blood taken for tests the nurse literally only got one drop... and it was almost black. From that day onward my body has never been the same. By the time I started my first year of high school, I could barely be in 70 degree weather without pouring sweat and passing out. So, to cut the story short, I had to leave traditional high school. It's almost as if my body stopped functioning correctly. When I left my high school and began doing an online program on my own (my parents both have/had full time jobs) I dropped into an extremely deep depression. Over the next year and a half I quickly gained over 130 lbs. I had to quit figure skating, even though I was in love with it, because my body could no longer handle the stress. I lost all of my "friends", and if you've ever been a 15-year-old girl you know that friends are a very important part of your life. I felt completely alone and afraid... and sick. My immune system almost no longer exists anymore. I've gotten everything from several bouts of flu per year, countless colds to whooping cough, staph infections, etc. I can't get immunizations because,even though they're as weak as they are, I will almost always end up contracting whatever it is the shot is supposed to prevent. It's been almost exactly 5 years since this all began and my body is barely beginning to recover. The weight has finally began slowly decreasing and, though it still bothers me a great deal, heat isn't my worst enemy anymore. My lungs are permanently damaged from going far too long being undiagnosed with Pertussis (Whooping Cough) so losing weight is taking far longer than I wish it would because I can only do very minimal exercise involving getting my heart rate up and having to take in more air than usual, mainly any exercise that works out the cardiovascular systems. All of this brought me to vegetarianism and to begin the process of becoming vegan. When my diet consists of mainly fruits and vegetables I feel stronger, lighter, and healthier. I can almost feel my body really beginning to heal itself. This summer would have been another terrible one if I never changed the way I eat. I've lost almost 40 lbs now and I continue to slowly lose more. I still have a long ways to go and I don't know when I'll get there. But I'm starting to feel good again. I've missed myself.... it's nice to feel that glimmer of my old personality and health again. I'm sorry if this post is far too long-winded, but I had a lot to get through... and that was barely scratching the surface.

Quote of Today

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” -Maria Robinson

It's a brand new beginning...

No matter who you are, where you're from, or what stage of life you are living, you had your starting points; moments in time that made you change your mind and set your path for the future. One of the most important decisions of my 20 years was made just a few months ago. I decided to make my life better, to treat my body better, to be healthy. And, as an animal lover from day one, a vegetarian lifestyle was my first choice... so I went with it. I was able to accomplish two goals with one choice, begin my weight-loss journey and finally say that I'd had enough of putting my money towards the torture and abuse of innocent animals. But now that I'm about 6 months in and about 40 lbs down, I've made another important choice. Being vegan. I don't want to say I am vegan.... I'm not. But I want to be. This blog is meant for me to really keep track of my journey, to allow myself to make the transition on my own terms. Ideally, I would just give it all up right away, no more cheese, eggs, milk, nada. But I know myself too well by now... I know that if I were to do that I'd completely wear myself out and be done with the whole thing within a week. I have to ease into it. The perfectionist side of me wants to freak out and I will, undoubtedly, beat myself up that I can't be the "perfect"* vegan immediately.

*even though I am fully aware that perfection doesn't exist...

My plan is to eat consciously, to really think about what is going into my body and make a decision. One meal at a time. It's really the best I can do at this point. It's all about learning to make the right choices and allowing myself the freedom to decide will make the good choices the more rewarding ones. There is nothing I can't eat... there are just things I choose not to. Instead of thinking about what I'm "giving up" I'm thinking about all of the things I have never tried, all of the "mysteries" that I get to uncover, and all of the things I've passed in the produce aisles that look so interesting but I have no idea what they're there for.

I'm excited.